I need a Savior

So I discovered something new over Spring Break. It is REALLY HARD to change yourself. I have known for half a year now about my struggle with integrity and trying to please everyone around me. I recognize the issue, and in many ways I have fought to be different. But then this last week I went to Mexico and I started to realize something. Yes, I have made progress, but something is still not right. My insecurity is deep within my heart, woven through my very soul. It is going to take a long time to untangle the mess within my deepest being. I cannot do it with my own power, I need the strength that comes from my LORD.

All this time I thought that I struggled with pride, but it turns out my pride is really insecurity jumping out and making me do things that I upset myself with later. I strive to be noticed, to be heard. I feel like I have to say things to make myself look smart, to impress other people, to "make myself known". It seems like every time a question is posed in a small group I have to get my word in, and I have to be right. I feel like if I don't say anything, the world will never know the answer. That is where the pride comes in. But the insecurity? Why must I be heard? Why do I have to share the answer as if I'm the only one who knows what the question is asking? It's because I'm trying to prove myself.

Then I started to realize something else. Every time I say something in that setting, it is to make myself look better. It is so that they like ME. It is so that I can make the world a better place. But how often do I say things that are truly to encourage and build others up? How often do I say things that others actually need to hear? The answer: Not very often.

This also goes together with my "listening problems". If any of my friends are reading this, I want to apologize right now for my lack of listening skills. I am not a good listener. Why? Because I always have something to say. I always have to get my words in, instead of just listening and learning to and from others. I have given up so many opportunities to learn from others by trying to put their words in their mouths, by debating with them so that I don't look bad, by talking nonstop about my life and my ideas and my problems and my adventures. I have lost so many chances to just be a crying shoulder, a comforter. I can't listen to problems without trying to FIX the problem. But I want that to change now. I long to be a good listener, one that someone will come to when they are hurt. I LONG to learn from others, instead of just assuming I know everything there is to know.

And I LONG to stop talking long enough to hear the most important one speaking to me--God. I need to stop reading the Bible to try to find answers that I want to hear. I need to stop looking for ways it helps ME. I need to read the Bible to spend time with my Savior, get to know who HE is, listen to what HE wants to say to me, not what I want him to be saying.

Codependency. The desire to solve the problems of others. The need for others to like you. The need to impress. The need to work hard for approval. The need to be the savior. It's time I give it up. I want to be free. Free me from the chains of approval. Break away the cord of impressing. Open the prison doors of fighting for my value. Take away the weight of other people's problems from my back. I can't be the savior. I can't change others, nor can I change myself. I need to HAVE a savior, not BE a savior. Good thing I have one :) Now I just need to let him do his job--not just in my own life, but also in the lives of all the people in my life.

The Truth will Set You Free

If there is one thing I have realized and learned over the last few weeks it is that I am not alone in this battle. The more open I become about my struggles with self-identity and integrity, the more other people share the same thing with me. I have heard it in so many different places by so many other people.

I guess that means that we are not so different after all. Yes, every person has their own character, uniqueness, beauty, strengths...we are all needed in this world and we all have a purpose for being where we are and who we are.

However, at the core of every human is the same problem--sin. That sin causes us to be imperfect, and constantly causes problems for ourselves and for others. Even though those who have accepted God's gift to us have been set free from being controlled by the sin nature, the sin nature is still there.

It causes us to go astray often, only to be pulled out again. It also gives Satan a way to get into our lives and try to lie to us and trick us into his deceptions. One of those lies that he LOVES to tell every human on earth is that we don't matter. We aren't beautiful. We can't be ourselves. We live to impress. We have to fight for our place in this world, and fight for our place into Heaven. He tells us that we are guilty, unclean, unworthy and despicable. Well, I'm here to tell you that they are all LIES. LIES that we have all been led to believe our whole lives.

Will you join me now and stop believing the lies? There is a truth from God to counter every single one of those lies. God says we matter, and he died to prove it. He calls us beautiful, and he longs to tell us. God proclaims that we can be ourselves, that he created us just that way. HE declares that we don't have to impress, that he loves us despite everything, and he knows everything. We don't have to fight for our place in this world, because we have a purpose here and we don't have to fight our way into Heaven, because he did it for us. We have been declared innocent, clean, worthy and wonderfully desirable.

I don't know about you, but I want to live by the Truth, and there is a promise from God that the Truth will set me free. Will you be free with me?

Sunrise, Sunset

The chains have been broken free.

I am moving through life with a newfound peace, feeling light as a feather.

My heart struggles inside, still wanting to please every person, still wanting to compare, be someone else.

Yet my whole self cries out: "I am me! Don't change who I am!"

My mind keeps reminding my heart and my soul that I no longer live to please this world, no longer live to please those around me.

Now it is easier to speak with confidence, walk with confidence, live with confidence.

No more sitting on the fence, waiting to see what others will say.

Now I am myself, learning day by day who I really am.

Realizing each new sunrise that God created me more beautiful that all I see around me.

Each mountain that stands, each wave that roars, each flower that blooms reminds me of his great love, his great ability to form and create beauty, and that fact that even I am beautiful.

Becoming me is still a struggle, still a push and a pull of the heart

But little by little I think I am finally starting to see

how beautiful, unique and special I can be.

The world still sings of all I should be, still pushes and nags

Yet I am standing firm, I will become me, I will be who I was created to be,

I will no longer change who I am for someone else, or hide the truth

I still have a lot to learn, there is a lot of room for growth

But with a little nudge and a little whisper,

My conformed self will set in the west while my new self appears on the horizon.

I Am Free to be Me

I have a calling, I have a purpose for my life.

I know that I was created for something special, but what is it?

I know I am called to serve. Not to please the person or to impress others, but out of love for the person and for God.

I know I am called to share the good news of Jesus Christ to those who have never heard, but in what capacity? I don't want to go overseas full time just because my friends are doing it and I want to compare myself to them; or because I am trying to not disappoint God.

I know I am called to love those around me and be Jesus to the world. But I can do that everyday, in any place.

I have certain passions. Things that I long for and strive for; things that are unique to me. I love music, but it is not my greatest passion. I love little kids, but is it only because I like to be liked and little kids fall in love with their teachers? I love cultures and languages and geography. I enjoy talking with friends and having fun. Yet I also like just relaxing at home and having time to myself. Writing is how I express myself, and I find great joy in doing it. Dancing is a lot o fun and singing is a thrill. These are all things that I know that I am. These things are in my heart, they are at least part of my heartsong.

The problem is...I still feel like many of the above things came into play because of trying to win the attention or affection of those around me. Are they really things that I enjoy? Are they just what everyone else around me was doing?

I want to be confident in who I am. I want to be confident in the things that I like and dislike, and the things that are my deepest passions. I want to be confident in who God created me to be, and be satisfied and proud of the tasks that God has prepared for me to accomplish.

Every person on this earth has a purpose and passions. I don't have to have the same ones as anyone else. I am me, I am myself, I am unique.

Finding the Melody of my Heart Song

Well, it has been one day since I told myself I wasn't going to care what others think. So far it is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I find myself going back to the same thought patterns. I have to constanly remind myself. "It doesn't matter what _______thinks" or "I don't have to be like anyone else". I am my own person, a unique individual.

With learning about my uniqueness, I am trying to become more confident. Not having to worry about what others think really helps in that area. I can be confident in who I am, and that will reflect an outward confidence too.

Digging deep inside myself, trying to discover who I really am. That is my next task. Without a mask, without trying to impress. Who am I then? What do I really love to do? What breaks my heart? What are my deepest longings? What do I think about myself? What does God think about me? What is my true heart song?

Becoming Beautiful

I have been reading the book Captivating (again) by John and Stasi Eldredge. Many of the things I am processing on these posts come from ideas from that book. If you ladies out there haven't read it yet, you should!

So I just got back from walking around the neighborhood with my dog. I couldn't help but notice the vast valley full of trees, surrounded by mountains as far as the eye can see. My heart calls for me to stop, to take it all in. And then the bright array of flowers, with a multitude of colors. I stroll a a little slower when I walk by. I find all of this beautiful, capivating, inviting.

Yet, God calls ME the Crown of Creation. All those beautiful things were not enough to capture the heart of God, or the heart of Adam. Creation was not complete without Eve, without women.

All that being said, the book Captivating poses a question. A question that EVERY woman longs to find an answer to deep down inside. That question is: "Am I lovely?" Just like every other woman, I too pose the question. My heart has always had that question, from the day I was born. As I was growing up, in my heart the question was never answered by those around me. This caused my heart to break. And to this day, my heart is still broken.

For 22 years I have been trying to fix my heart and find the answer to my question. Yesterday I said that I have been trying to impress those around me, I have been trying to be what others want me to be. Today, I am beginning to understand WHY.

I compare myself to everyone else around me. When they find boyfriends, husbands, best friends, it proves that they are lovely enough to want, beautiful enough to have someone fall in love with them, worthy enough to have the enjoyment of friends draw close to them. And then I look at myself. What do all of them have that I don't have? Why has no one ever noticed me?

I find myself falling for those who notice me, even if only a little. It's like all of my life I have been striving to be noticed and loved, only to fail. And then someone sees me, and my heart believes that "yes, I am lovely". I have needed the satisfaction of those around me to acknowledge my beauty. I have been looking for validation from my peers. I have been striving to fit in, to be accepted, to be lovely.

And yet, a woman's beauty comes from a heart at peace. A heart that KNOWS that it is lovely. All this time I have been striving to be beautiful, when all along I have needed to just be still, to be at peace and to KNOW that my God, my Lover, created me as a unique human being and that I am the Crown of Creation. I am beautiful no matter what others think. I am lovely even if I am the only one on the planet. I am worthy of having someone DIE for me.

I subconsciously made a promise to myself years ago that I would prove to the world that I was lovely. I would prove that I was beautiful enough to be loved. It is time to break that promise and make a new one. I have nothing to prove, I have nothing to hide, I am ME, I am LOVELY and I am BEAUTIFUL. My beauty will come from a peaceful serenity inside my soul, a satisfied heart at rest. I will get my question answered by God, and no one else. Now I am TRULY becoming beautiful.

Me, Myself--Let's Dance!

I've been wondering a lot lately. Who am I?

I have this...this need to impress others. I feel like I am a different person around different people. I've been trying so hard to fit the mold of those around me, I have lost sight of my own heart and my own soul. Why do I care what others think?

Why? Because as humans, we are designed to be relational. We are designed to be with other people and to be a part of lives other than our own. Our hearts were made with an emptiness that longs to be filled. But, there is more. For, if we are living to please others, to please humans who are just as imperfect as we are, then we will get no where. We can never be enough to please our peers. We can never be all that they need. We can never be perfect. No one is a perfect person. And I (and all of us) have to become only who I am. Not like others, not what others want me to be. But how I was designed to be. Now all I have to do is dig deep inside my inner core and discover who I really am, not what the world tells me I am or who I have pretended to be.

And we look all around us to find that one person, or those people, who will fill the emptiness that makes our hearts cry. We look for something to make it go away. We turn to alcohol, shopping, busyness, friends, school, pornography, sex, drugs. The list goes on. Every person has those things that they do to make the hurt of life and the emptiness of our hearts disappear. I am no different. I strive to find friends that will make me happy, a man who will complete my heart, a story that makes my heart become excited. I am constantly busy, afraid that if I stop being busy, I will have to face my feelings, my deepest desires.

When those deepest desires surface, I realize that all this time I have been hiding. I have been hiding from myself. My confidence lies in what others think and my happiness lies in being liked by those around me. I strive to fill the emptiness in ways that will get me no where. And yet, I tend to forget to look the one place that will actually fill my heart completely. The one person that is actually perfect enough to fill the need of my relationally-constructed heart. The one person in whom my heart was created to adore. JESUS. Jesus longs to fill my heart, and all of our hearts. He is calling to all of us.

I have no one that I need to impress, and no one that I have to become. Jesus loves me for who I am, and who I am becoming. He knows everything there is to know about me, and he loves me despite it. He knows how much I (and all of us) long to be in an intimate relationship and have someone by our side everyday of our lives. He knows that we can't be satisfied in anything or any person on this earth. He wants to be the one to satisfy all of our hearts. He died so that he could be a part of our lives in the way that we desire, and that he desires. I can't impress Him enough or make Him love me more. He is already loving me with an everlasting love. Will I ever be able to reciprocate it? Will I let my heart be fully satisfied in Him? Will I let Himbe the one to heal my brokenness and my bruises, or will I continue to look in other places?