Weeding the Garden

Somewhere deep within I know there is something tugging at my heart. Something in my soul that is trying to speak. My mind is racing a mile a minute. My strength is slowing dying. I feel like I can hardly get through the day, the night is not much better. I lay awake with restless eyes; with only my breathing staying steady. My mind is full, but my heart can not see within. My voice is silenced behind all the noise of the inward struggle.

So many things going on at one time; my body just cannot handle. Plans to be made, money to be raised, time is running short. So many things that I will be missing, fear of the unknown keeping my soul unsettled. What will it be like? Will I fit in? Will all my needs be met? And what will happen at home when I'm gone, will everything be alright?

A glimpse of the future is all that there is, assurance is falling behind. Providence comes from the one in control, the one who has a plan. Can I trust Him enough to live one day at a time and not get caught up in worry? Jealously rages within my heart as my friends get settled in, but proud I was in the promise of a job; only to be humbled in patient waiting.

And underneath it all, a deep embedded pain. Wondering if everything will be ok when the day of celebration comes. A mix of two worlds...a life of old, and the reality of today. Can I handle the tears that come from the rain, the clouds of an age old storm? Will the sun shine through the dark clouds in the sky? Or will the thunder boom louder with the pain?

And still yet the fight is not done, for my soul is still in wander. When I read the pages of my heart song, a greater cry is heard. A voice inside whispers in my ear that I'm not even wanted. I'm only a hindrance in lives of many, a charity case of pity. I don't fit in with normal beings, just the ones in need. My confidence in myself is dwindling away with a feeling of rejection. I don't even like who I am in a group, and sometimes not even alone. There are so many things I wish I could change, so many things that drive me insane. I just want to be kind, humble and quiet. But instead, my voice never stops, my knowledge blurts out and my rude thoughts take over.

What is truly on my heart cannot be sung, the beat not quite found. The melody is playing out, but the notes are all around. My deepest thought I cannot express, my inner mood is hidden. The song I hear is one of longing. A longing to be loved. Loved not only by others, but by my inner self. I love what I do and what I have done, but it doesn't erase the pain. The flower of strength, of confidence and self-worth is stunted by the weed of disgust, of lies and of uncomfortableness. If only the weed would die away in the night to let the flower show its glory.