Weeding the Garden

Somewhere deep within I know there is something tugging at my heart. Something in my soul that is trying to speak. My mind is racing a mile a minute. My strength is slowing dying. I feel like I can hardly get through the day, the night is not much better. I lay awake with restless eyes; with only my breathing staying steady. My mind is full, but my heart can not see within. My voice is silenced behind all the noise of the inward struggle.

So many things going on at one time; my body just cannot handle. Plans to be made, money to be raised, time is running short. So many things that I will be missing, fear of the unknown keeping my soul unsettled. What will it be like? Will I fit in? Will all my needs be met? And what will happen at home when I'm gone, will everything be alright?

A glimpse of the future is all that there is, assurance is falling behind. Providence comes from the one in control, the one who has a plan. Can I trust Him enough to live one day at a time and not get caught up in worry? Jealously rages within my heart as my friends get settled in, but proud I was in the promise of a job; only to be humbled in patient waiting.

And underneath it all, a deep embedded pain. Wondering if everything will be ok when the day of celebration comes. A mix of two worlds...a life of old, and the reality of today. Can I handle the tears that come from the rain, the clouds of an age old storm? Will the sun shine through the dark clouds in the sky? Or will the thunder boom louder with the pain?

And still yet the fight is not done, for my soul is still in wander. When I read the pages of my heart song, a greater cry is heard. A voice inside whispers in my ear that I'm not even wanted. I'm only a hindrance in lives of many, a charity case of pity. I don't fit in with normal beings, just the ones in need. My confidence in myself is dwindling away with a feeling of rejection. I don't even like who I am in a group, and sometimes not even alone. There are so many things I wish I could change, so many things that drive me insane. I just want to be kind, humble and quiet. But instead, my voice never stops, my knowledge blurts out and my rude thoughts take over.

What is truly on my heart cannot be sung, the beat not quite found. The melody is playing out, but the notes are all around. My deepest thought I cannot express, my inner mood is hidden. The song I hear is one of longing. A longing to be loved. Loved not only by others, but by my inner self. I love what I do and what I have done, but it doesn't erase the pain. The flower of strength, of confidence and self-worth is stunted by the weed of disgust, of lies and of uncomfortableness. If only the weed would die away in the night to let the flower show its glory.

I need a Savior

So I discovered something new over Spring Break. It is REALLY HARD to change yourself. I have known for half a year now about my struggle with integrity and trying to please everyone around me. I recognize the issue, and in many ways I have fought to be different. But then this last week I went to Mexico and I started to realize something. Yes, I have made progress, but something is still not right. My insecurity is deep within my heart, woven through my very soul. It is going to take a long time to untangle the mess within my deepest being. I cannot do it with my own power, I need the strength that comes from my LORD.

All this time I thought that I struggled with pride, but it turns out my pride is really insecurity jumping out and making me do things that I upset myself with later. I strive to be noticed, to be heard. I feel like I have to say things to make myself look smart, to impress other people, to "make myself known". It seems like every time a question is posed in a small group I have to get my word in, and I have to be right. I feel like if I don't say anything, the world will never know the answer. That is where the pride comes in. But the insecurity? Why must I be heard? Why do I have to share the answer as if I'm the only one who knows what the question is asking? It's because I'm trying to prove myself.

Then I started to realize something else. Every time I say something in that setting, it is to make myself look better. It is so that they like ME. It is so that I can make the world a better place. But how often do I say things that are truly to encourage and build others up? How often do I say things that others actually need to hear? The answer: Not very often.

This also goes together with my "listening problems". If any of my friends are reading this, I want to apologize right now for my lack of listening skills. I am not a good listener. Why? Because I always have something to say. I always have to get my words in, instead of just listening and learning to and from others. I have given up so many opportunities to learn from others by trying to put their words in their mouths, by debating with them so that I don't look bad, by talking nonstop about my life and my ideas and my problems and my adventures. I have lost so many chances to just be a crying shoulder, a comforter. I can't listen to problems without trying to FIX the problem. But I want that to change now. I long to be a good listener, one that someone will come to when they are hurt. I LONG to learn from others, instead of just assuming I know everything there is to know.

And I LONG to stop talking long enough to hear the most important one speaking to me--God. I need to stop reading the Bible to try to find answers that I want to hear. I need to stop looking for ways it helps ME. I need to read the Bible to spend time with my Savior, get to know who HE is, listen to what HE wants to say to me, not what I want him to be saying.

Codependency. The desire to solve the problems of others. The need for others to like you. The need to impress. The need to work hard for approval. The need to be the savior. It's time I give it up. I want to be free. Free me from the chains of approval. Break away the cord of impressing. Open the prison doors of fighting for my value. Take away the weight of other people's problems from my back. I can't be the savior. I can't change others, nor can I change myself. I need to HAVE a savior, not BE a savior. Good thing I have one :) Now I just need to let him do his job--not just in my own life, but also in the lives of all the people in my life.