Becoming Beautiful

I have been reading the book Captivating (again) by John and Stasi Eldredge. Many of the things I am processing on these posts come from ideas from that book. If you ladies out there haven't read it yet, you should!

So I just got back from walking around the neighborhood with my dog. I couldn't help but notice the vast valley full of trees, surrounded by mountains as far as the eye can see. My heart calls for me to stop, to take it all in. And then the bright array of flowers, with a multitude of colors. I stroll a a little slower when I walk by. I find all of this beautiful, capivating, inviting.

Yet, God calls ME the Crown of Creation. All those beautiful things were not enough to capture the heart of God, or the heart of Adam. Creation was not complete without Eve, without women.

All that being said, the book Captivating poses a question. A question that EVERY woman longs to find an answer to deep down inside. That question is: "Am I lovely?" Just like every other woman, I too pose the question. My heart has always had that question, from the day I was born. As I was growing up, in my heart the question was never answered by those around me. This caused my heart to break. And to this day, my heart is still broken.

For 22 years I have been trying to fix my heart and find the answer to my question. Yesterday I said that I have been trying to impress those around me, I have been trying to be what others want me to be. Today, I am beginning to understand WHY.

I compare myself to everyone else around me. When they find boyfriends, husbands, best friends, it proves that they are lovely enough to want, beautiful enough to have someone fall in love with them, worthy enough to have the enjoyment of friends draw close to them. And then I look at myself. What do all of them have that I don't have? Why has no one ever noticed me?

I find myself falling for those who notice me, even if only a little. It's like all of my life I have been striving to be noticed and loved, only to fail. And then someone sees me, and my heart believes that "yes, I am lovely". I have needed the satisfaction of those around me to acknowledge my beauty. I have been looking for validation from my peers. I have been striving to fit in, to be accepted, to be lovely.

And yet, a woman's beauty comes from a heart at peace. A heart that KNOWS that it is lovely. All this time I have been striving to be beautiful, when all along I have needed to just be still, to be at peace and to KNOW that my God, my Lover, created me as a unique human being and that I am the Crown of Creation. I am beautiful no matter what others think. I am lovely even if I am the only one on the planet. I am worthy of having someone DIE for me.

I subconsciously made a promise to myself years ago that I would prove to the world that I was lovely. I would prove that I was beautiful enough to be loved. It is time to break that promise and make a new one. I have nothing to prove, I have nothing to hide, I am ME, I am LOVELY and I am BEAUTIFUL. My beauty will come from a peaceful serenity inside my soul, a satisfied heart at rest. I will get my question answered by God, and no one else. Now I am TRULY becoming beautiful.