God's Timeline

What is time?

To humans, time is a constraint. A battle. I for one am NEVER on time. Always late or early, never perfect. Time is something that we can't manage. Don't get me wrong, we try....every day. If only the weekend were 2 days longer....if only a day had 36 hours. If only I had just a few more minutes I would have finished in time. Etc, etc, etc. I will finish school by 2008, I will be married by the age of 30, I will find my career path by the time I hit 23. Whatever it is, humans try to control it. After all, we know what is best. Right?

WRONG. Humans can only see one, tiny glimpse of the whole picture. What seems like a year for us is only a obscure second on the realm of eternity. The only one who truly can grasp what time is is God himself, for he is above time and sees the whole of eternity.

So if this is true, why is it so hard to trust him? I feel like so often we think that God has forgotten about us or is ignoring our desires...all because we don't get what we want in the timeline that we have set for ourselves. But we don't know what God knows. We don't see what God sees.

I have come to discover that waiting for God's timing is a painful process. It is never easy. But, throughout the whole time God is watching you. He is putting your through obstacles to strengthen you. He is putting your through fire to purify you. He is taking you through the hard places to shape you, to teach you. He is showing you a difficult path to point you in the right direction. He is filling you with his presence to embrace you with hope, peace, courage, joy. Every story has a dynamic character...one that never stops learning, growing and changing. Each moment of the story brings that character to new adventures, new desires and a new inner heartsong. God is the author of my story, and I am that main character. Every second of my story is building my character and leading to the ultimate climax--the day of glory at the feet of Jesus. I want to be nothing less than my best when I meet my hero face to face.

To hasten God's timing is to cut short the development of who you are made to be. As I look back, I know that every moment of my life has been used in mighty ways in my heart and in my life. If nothing else, it builds HIS story in MY life. And if we hope and wait in the LORD, all his promises will be fulfilled and all that is meant to play out in our lives will come to completion. Maybe not within our time design, but within the master's hands that tick at just the right hour.

Do You Trust Me?

Trust. A simple 5-letter word. Right?

Wrong. TRUST is easily written and easily talked about. But I would beg to differ that it is quite possibly the hardest thing you could ever do. To trust someone requires that you put your life into someone else's hands. You don't get to decide where you go or what you do. You don't get to decide what path to take. You don't even get to know what lies ahead. You have to have complete confidence that whatever you are trusting in is capable of finding the best life for you and taking you there.

What human do you know that is willing to give control of their life to someone else? I know that everyday I struggle with this very thing. I want to control what happens. I want to control who, what, where, when and why for EVERY detail of my life. I see the path ahead that I have made for myself and I pull hard to go in that direction. But there is a hand guiding me somewhere else. That hand is taking me somewhere I cannot see. Into darkness, around corners, through valleys of fire, through caves that seem to have no end.

I NEVER understand why life curves places I would never take it. It is SO hard to trust that what I go through is really for the best. But it is. I know it is. Because I LONG to have complete confidence in the one who knows everything.

I can't imagine what life would be like if my God was not capable of figuring life out. What if my god were only made of stone, with no spirit, no passion, no heart. I couldn't trust that. What if my god was imagined? What if my god were made into what I wanted him to be? He would be no better than my mind or my eyes. He could know no more than me. So how could I trust that he sees the future more than myself? What if my god were one in a million? How would I know that I am following the right path? What if there were no god? Who or what would I be trusting??

I could trust in things. I could trust in money. I could trust in education. I could trust in success. But I. Would. Be. Let. Down. Things and money just pass away. We can't hold firmly to them. Education and Success would be a temporary hope, but could guide you no where. You would still be relying on as far as a human mind could go.

I could be trusting man and man alone. And every time I. Would. Be. Let. Down. Man (human) never ceases to let others down. Humans are only capable of seeing one small part of life at a time. Human hearts are not always pure or confident or able. Humans are imperfect beings who make mistakes, who lack judgment, who suffer from pain and brokenness. If we only had each other to lean on and to trust, what good would that be?

And what if my God were greater, and stronger than any other. What if my God were awesome in power, able to heal? What if my God were real, mighty, all-knowing. What if my God were perfect in every way and had eyes to see EVERYTHING that lies behind me and before me. What if my God saw my heart and what I really longed for. What if my God cried when tears fell from my eyes and smiled when my heart was filled with joy. What if my God were my true best friend and loved everything about me. What if my God was completely able to fulfill every emptiness, every passion, every longing, and every hope and dream. Would I then be able to trust him completely with my life?

For my God is an everlasting God, the Alpha and Omega. He was there in the beginning and he will be there until the end. He knows everything about me. He stretches out his hand and whispers to my heart. "Do you trust me?"

Yes God, I trust you. I long to trust you. Sometimes you will feel my heart pulling away because I don't fully understand. But in the end, I'm going to shout and I'm going to sing "I'm gonna trust in God". Sometimes you will hear me pout and whine and cry out in pain because it hurts to go through everything you have called me to. But I'm gonna trust in you.

TRUST. The hardest word in the dictionary. I have to be willing to say "my life is not my own. My life belongs to someone else. He is in control. He is going to take me where I need to go. He is fully capable of taking care of my every need and filling my every longing. His timing is perfect. Hie ways are perfect. His ability is perfect. His mind is perfect. His path is perfect. My life is following him despite my failures, despite my fears, despite my misunderstandings. My life is worth it. He is in control. I can trust the One who knows it all".

Weeding the Garden

Somewhere deep within I know there is something tugging at my heart. Something in my soul that is trying to speak. My mind is racing a mile a minute. My strength is slowing dying. I feel like I can hardly get through the day, the night is not much better. I lay awake with restless eyes; with only my breathing staying steady. My mind is full, but my heart can not see within. My voice is silenced behind all the noise of the inward struggle.

So many things going on at one time; my body just cannot handle. Plans to be made, money to be raised, time is running short. So many things that I will be missing, fear of the unknown keeping my soul unsettled. What will it be like? Will I fit in? Will all my needs be met? And what will happen at home when I'm gone, will everything be alright?

A glimpse of the future is all that there is, assurance is falling behind. Providence comes from the one in control, the one who has a plan. Can I trust Him enough to live one day at a time and not get caught up in worry? Jealously rages within my heart as my friends get settled in, but proud I was in the promise of a job; only to be humbled in patient waiting.

And underneath it all, a deep embedded pain. Wondering if everything will be ok when the day of celebration comes. A mix of two worlds...a life of old, and the reality of today. Can I handle the tears that come from the rain, the clouds of an age old storm? Will the sun shine through the dark clouds in the sky? Or will the thunder boom louder with the pain?

And still yet the fight is not done, for my soul is still in wander. When I read the pages of my heart song, a greater cry is heard. A voice inside whispers in my ear that I'm not even wanted. I'm only a hindrance in lives of many, a charity case of pity. I don't fit in with normal beings, just the ones in need. My confidence in myself is dwindling away with a feeling of rejection. I don't even like who I am in a group, and sometimes not even alone. There are so many things I wish I could change, so many things that drive me insane. I just want to be kind, humble and quiet. But instead, my voice never stops, my knowledge blurts out and my rude thoughts take over.

What is truly on my heart cannot be sung, the beat not quite found. The melody is playing out, but the notes are all around. My deepest thought I cannot express, my inner mood is hidden. The song I hear is one of longing. A longing to be loved. Loved not only by others, but by my inner self. I love what I do and what I have done, but it doesn't erase the pain. The flower of strength, of confidence and self-worth is stunted by the weed of disgust, of lies and of uncomfortableness. If only the weed would die away in the night to let the flower show its glory.

I need a Savior

So I discovered something new over Spring Break. It is REALLY HARD to change yourself. I have known for half a year now about my struggle with integrity and trying to please everyone around me. I recognize the issue, and in many ways I have fought to be different. But then this last week I went to Mexico and I started to realize something. Yes, I have made progress, but something is still not right. My insecurity is deep within my heart, woven through my very soul. It is going to take a long time to untangle the mess within my deepest being. I cannot do it with my own power, I need the strength that comes from my LORD.

All this time I thought that I struggled with pride, but it turns out my pride is really insecurity jumping out and making me do things that I upset myself with later. I strive to be noticed, to be heard. I feel like I have to say things to make myself look smart, to impress other people, to "make myself known". It seems like every time a question is posed in a small group I have to get my word in, and I have to be right. I feel like if I don't say anything, the world will never know the answer. That is where the pride comes in. But the insecurity? Why must I be heard? Why do I have to share the answer as if I'm the only one who knows what the question is asking? It's because I'm trying to prove myself.

Then I started to realize something else. Every time I say something in that setting, it is to make myself look better. It is so that they like ME. It is so that I can make the world a better place. But how often do I say things that are truly to encourage and build others up? How often do I say things that others actually need to hear? The answer: Not very often.

This also goes together with my "listening problems". If any of my friends are reading this, I want to apologize right now for my lack of listening skills. I am not a good listener. Why? Because I always have something to say. I always have to get my words in, instead of just listening and learning to and from others. I have given up so many opportunities to learn from others by trying to put their words in their mouths, by debating with them so that I don't look bad, by talking nonstop about my life and my ideas and my problems and my adventures. I have lost so many chances to just be a crying shoulder, a comforter. I can't listen to problems without trying to FIX the problem. But I want that to change now. I long to be a good listener, one that someone will come to when they are hurt. I LONG to learn from others, instead of just assuming I know everything there is to know.

And I LONG to stop talking long enough to hear the most important one speaking to me--God. I need to stop reading the Bible to try to find answers that I want to hear. I need to stop looking for ways it helps ME. I need to read the Bible to spend time with my Savior, get to know who HE is, listen to what HE wants to say to me, not what I want him to be saying.

Codependency. The desire to solve the problems of others. The need for others to like you. The need to impress. The need to work hard for approval. The need to be the savior. It's time I give it up. I want to be free. Free me from the chains of approval. Break away the cord of impressing. Open the prison doors of fighting for my value. Take away the weight of other people's problems from my back. I can't be the savior. I can't change others, nor can I change myself. I need to HAVE a savior, not BE a savior. Good thing I have one :) Now I just need to let him do his job--not just in my own life, but also in the lives of all the people in my life.

The Truth will Set You Free

If there is one thing I have realized and learned over the last few weeks it is that I am not alone in this battle. The more open I become about my struggles with self-identity and integrity, the more other people share the same thing with me. I have heard it in so many different places by so many other people.

I guess that means that we are not so different after all. Yes, every person has their own character, uniqueness, beauty, strengths...we are all needed in this world and we all have a purpose for being where we are and who we are.

However, at the core of every human is the same problem--sin. That sin causes us to be imperfect, and constantly causes problems for ourselves and for others. Even though those who have accepted God's gift to us have been set free from being controlled by the sin nature, the sin nature is still there.

It causes us to go astray often, only to be pulled out again. It also gives Satan a way to get into our lives and try to lie to us and trick us into his deceptions. One of those lies that he LOVES to tell every human on earth is that we don't matter. We aren't beautiful. We can't be ourselves. We live to impress. We have to fight for our place in this world, and fight for our place into Heaven. He tells us that we are guilty, unclean, unworthy and despicable. Well, I'm here to tell you that they are all LIES. LIES that we have all been led to believe our whole lives.

Will you join me now and stop believing the lies? There is a truth from God to counter every single one of those lies. God says we matter, and he died to prove it. He calls us beautiful, and he longs to tell us. God proclaims that we can be ourselves, that he created us just that way. HE declares that we don't have to impress, that he loves us despite everything, and he knows everything. We don't have to fight for our place in this world, because we have a purpose here and we don't have to fight our way into Heaven, because he did it for us. We have been declared innocent, clean, worthy and wonderfully desirable.

I don't know about you, but I want to live by the Truth, and there is a promise from God that the Truth will set me free. Will you be free with me?

Sunrise, Sunset

The chains have been broken free.

I am moving through life with a newfound peace, feeling light as a feather.

My heart struggles inside, still wanting to please every person, still wanting to compare, be someone else.

Yet my whole self cries out: "I am me! Don't change who I am!"

My mind keeps reminding my heart and my soul that I no longer live to please this world, no longer live to please those around me.

Now it is easier to speak with confidence, walk with confidence, live with confidence.

No more sitting on the fence, waiting to see what others will say.

Now I am myself, learning day by day who I really am.

Realizing each new sunrise that God created me more beautiful that all I see around me.

Each mountain that stands, each wave that roars, each flower that blooms reminds me of his great love, his great ability to form and create beauty, and that fact that even I am beautiful.

Becoming me is still a struggle, still a push and a pull of the heart

But little by little I think I am finally starting to see

how beautiful, unique and special I can be.

The world still sings of all I should be, still pushes and nags

Yet I am standing firm, I will become me, I will be who I was created to be,

I will no longer change who I am for someone else, or hide the truth

I still have a lot to learn, there is a lot of room for growth

But with a little nudge and a little whisper,

My conformed self will set in the west while my new self appears on the horizon.

I Am Free to be Me

I have a calling, I have a purpose for my life.

I know that I was created for something special, but what is it?

I know I am called to serve. Not to please the person or to impress others, but out of love for the person and for God.

I know I am called to share the good news of Jesus Christ to those who have never heard, but in what capacity? I don't want to go overseas full time just because my friends are doing it and I want to compare myself to them; or because I am trying to not disappoint God.

I know I am called to love those around me and be Jesus to the world. But I can do that everyday, in any place.

I have certain passions. Things that I long for and strive for; things that are unique to me. I love music, but it is not my greatest passion. I love little kids, but is it only because I like to be liked and little kids fall in love with their teachers? I love cultures and languages and geography. I enjoy talking with friends and having fun. Yet I also like just relaxing at home and having time to myself. Writing is how I express myself, and I find great joy in doing it. Dancing is a lot o fun and singing is a thrill. These are all things that I know that I am. These things are in my heart, they are at least part of my heartsong.

The problem is...I still feel like many of the above things came into play because of trying to win the attention or affection of those around me. Are they really things that I enjoy? Are they just what everyone else around me was doing?

I want to be confident in who I am. I want to be confident in the things that I like and dislike, and the things that are my deepest passions. I want to be confident in who God created me to be, and be satisfied and proud of the tasks that God has prepared for me to accomplish.

Every person on this earth has a purpose and passions. I don't have to have the same ones as anyone else. I am me, I am myself, I am unique.