The Chains of Fear

Fear is something I am very familiar with. From my first moments of life to the present, fear has always been a part of me. As a child, I was afraid of almost everything--the ocean, loud noises, dogs, fires, burglars, kidnappers, swinging, biking, the dark, you name it. As I grew older, my fears did too. No longer was I deathly afraid of dogs and the ocean, but now new fears took over my life.

I am just now starting to realize how much fear has controlled every part of my life. When I am afraid, my defenses go up, my stubbornness grows and I hear myself allowing fear to control once again. Even the small things in life, like haircuts and getting rid of clothes I once wore, are a source of fear. You may think it sounds crazy, but it is true. I am deathly afraid of change. Things not being like they used to. When I go to choose new glasses, my fear is not "they don't look good"; instead it is "they don't look the same." Why am I so afraid of change? Why do I make myself sick with worry thinking about minor and major life changes? Why do I stop myself from enjoying new adventures in fear of what might happen? Why do I drive myself to a state of paranoia of what could happen at any given circumstance?

One answer: control. Somewhere deep inside my heart believes that having fear of something will either make it not happen or make it happen for sure. I think that by keeping everything the same as possible, I can control my life. By keeping my heart fearful, I can control what happens to me. I have this ingrained mindset that if I STOP fearing it, God will for sure make it happen to me to prove that I would survive.

Not that I think God is out to get me, but surely my heart must feel that God is not worthy of my trust. For if I release my fear, I will no longer have control--God will. And good things don't always happen when God is in control...he allows pain and hurt and disasters.....but if I keep fearing these things....they won't happen....right?

For some reason my mind believes that my fear has POWER to accomplish only what God can accomplish. Only God can have control of what happens. I am not able to control my own heart, so why should my fear try to control God? It is time I learn how GOOD my God is and how WORTHY he is of my trust.

It's time I stop believing the lies of Satan that I can control life as long as I remain chained in the dungeon of my fears. It is time to break the chains and enter the light--it is time to trust God to carry me through this life.

"Do not worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the PEACE of God that transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" Phil. 4:6

Release the chains of fear and enter the peace of knowing that God is in control--and he is GOOD.

Our God's Not Dead

The world is an ugly place. No, I mean, really. Sure, it looks beautiful. The mountains are magnificent, the oceans are incredible, the sunrises and sunsets are a beautiful display of splendor. But I'm not talking about the world you can see. I am talking about the battle within the world. Everywhere you look destruction and destitution are coming into view. People are bending the rules, changing morals, destroying holy things, loving themselves more than others, seeking pleasure rather than satisfaction, filling their emptiness with temporary joys instead of searching for the eternal joy that lasts forever. I would say that this is all new to the world, that people are worse than they used to be. But the fact of the matter is, people have been doing these things almost from the beginning of time. And that is the world to which Jesus came.

Jesus, being God, saw all that was happening. He knew the hearts of the people and their need to be satisfied and in control of their own lives. He KNEW that they would not accept him and he knew that his life on earth would come to an end in a shameful, dreadful way. Yet he still chose to come.

He allowed himself to be ridiculed, hated, beaten, shamed, mocked, mistreated, disrespected and ultimately killed by the very ones he came to love and to get to know. He longs to have relationship with us, and we rejected him. We didn't want anything to do with him.

However, he is a God of many chances. He died so that we could live. He gave himself for people who didn't want him. He gives us a choice to love him in return. He doesn't want robots who will come at his beck and call, he wants living, breathing, decision-making humans to have a relationship with. That is why he came. That is why he died. And that is why he lives again.

The story doesn't end with Jesus on the cross, the world left in shambles and no hope for a better future. No, the story does not end there.

For after 3 days of being dead, God revealed his power over death--and life. God controls death, and God controls life. If we give our lives to him, he gives us his in return. He takes our temporary lives in this ugly world and gives us hope of an eternal life in a beautiful world. If God were dead, as all other "gods" are, he would not have the power to give life and death. He would not be able to continue to pursue our hearts and win us over for him and the life he promises.

So why does Easter matter? With the resurrection of Jesus Christ, we have HOPE for a better life, we have PEACE that God is in control, we have JOY knowing that even the painful things in life have a beautiful purpose, we have LOVE because God showed his love to us by dying for us while we were still sinners, we have a PROMISE of commitment--one who will never leave us nor forsake us (and he proved that not even death can separate us from his love). We have a loving God who we can trust--all his promises will come true.

What God Gives

God does not ask us to give anything he himself does not give.

He asks us to give him our hearts, and he replaces it with one better.
He asks us to give him our desires, and he fills us with ones bigger.
He asks us to give him our control, and he takes over in ways much greater.
He asks to give him our lives, and he gives us his own--holy and grander.

God's Timeline

What is time?

To humans, time is a constraint. A battle. I for one am NEVER on time. Always late or early, never perfect. Time is something that we can't manage. Don't get me wrong, we try....every day. If only the weekend were 2 days longer....if only a day had 36 hours. If only I had just a few more minutes I would have finished in time. Etc, etc, etc. I will finish school by 2008, I will be married by the age of 30, I will find my career path by the time I hit 23. Whatever it is, humans try to control it. After all, we know what is best. Right?

WRONG. Humans can only see one, tiny glimpse of the whole picture. What seems like a year for us is only a obscure second on the realm of eternity. The only one who truly can grasp what time is is God himself, for he is above time and sees the whole of eternity.

So if this is true, why is it so hard to trust him? I feel like so often we think that God has forgotten about us or is ignoring our desires...all because we don't get what we want in the timeline that we have set for ourselves. But we don't know what God knows. We don't see what God sees.

I have come to discover that waiting for God's timing is a painful process. It is never easy. But, throughout the whole time God is watching you. He is putting your through obstacles to strengthen you. He is putting your through fire to purify you. He is taking you through the hard places to shape you, to teach you. He is showing you a difficult path to point you in the right direction. He is filling you with his presence to embrace you with hope, peace, courage, joy. Every story has a dynamic character...one that never stops learning, growing and changing. Each moment of the story brings that character to new adventures, new desires and a new inner heartsong. God is the author of my story, and I am that main character. Every second of my story is building my character and leading to the ultimate climax--the day of glory at the feet of Jesus. I want to be nothing less than my best when I meet my hero face to face.

To hasten God's timing is to cut short the development of who you are made to be. As I look back, I know that every moment of my life has been used in mighty ways in my heart and in my life. If nothing else, it builds HIS story in MY life. And if we hope and wait in the LORD, all his promises will be fulfilled and all that is meant to play out in our lives will come to completion. Maybe not within our time design, but within the master's hands that tick at just the right hour.

Do You Trust Me?

Trust. A simple 5-letter word. Right?

Wrong. TRUST is easily written and easily talked about. But I would beg to differ that it is quite possibly the hardest thing you could ever do. To trust someone requires that you put your life into someone else's hands. You don't get to decide where you go or what you do. You don't get to decide what path to take. You don't even get to know what lies ahead. You have to have complete confidence that whatever you are trusting in is capable of finding the best life for you and taking you there.

What human do you know that is willing to give control of their life to someone else? I know that everyday I struggle with this very thing. I want to control what happens. I want to control who, what, where, when and why for EVERY detail of my life. I see the path ahead that I have made for myself and I pull hard to go in that direction. But there is a hand guiding me somewhere else. That hand is taking me somewhere I cannot see. Into darkness, around corners, through valleys of fire, through caves that seem to have no end.

I NEVER understand why life curves places I would never take it. It is SO hard to trust that what I go through is really for the best. But it is. I know it is. Because I LONG to have complete confidence in the one who knows everything.

I can't imagine what life would be like if my God was not capable of figuring life out. What if my god were only made of stone, with no spirit, no passion, no heart. I couldn't trust that. What if my god was imagined? What if my god were made into what I wanted him to be? He would be no better than my mind or my eyes. He could know no more than me. So how could I trust that he sees the future more than myself? What if my god were one in a million? How would I know that I am following the right path? What if there were no god? Who or what would I be trusting??

I could trust in things. I could trust in money. I could trust in education. I could trust in success. But I. Would. Be. Let. Down. Things and money just pass away. We can't hold firmly to them. Education and Success would be a temporary hope, but could guide you no where. You would still be relying on as far as a human mind could go.

I could be trusting man and man alone. And every time I. Would. Be. Let. Down. Man (human) never ceases to let others down. Humans are only capable of seeing one small part of life at a time. Human hearts are not always pure or confident or able. Humans are imperfect beings who make mistakes, who lack judgment, who suffer from pain and brokenness. If we only had each other to lean on and to trust, what good would that be?

And what if my God were greater, and stronger than any other. What if my God were awesome in power, able to heal? What if my God were real, mighty, all-knowing. What if my God were perfect in every way and had eyes to see EVERYTHING that lies behind me and before me. What if my God saw my heart and what I really longed for. What if my God cried when tears fell from my eyes and smiled when my heart was filled with joy. What if my God were my true best friend and loved everything about me. What if my God was completely able to fulfill every emptiness, every passion, every longing, and every hope and dream. Would I then be able to trust him completely with my life?

For my God is an everlasting God, the Alpha and Omega. He was there in the beginning and he will be there until the end. He knows everything about me. He stretches out his hand and whispers to my heart. "Do you trust me?"

Yes God, I trust you. I long to trust you. Sometimes you will feel my heart pulling away because I don't fully understand. But in the end, I'm going to shout and I'm going to sing "I'm gonna trust in God". Sometimes you will hear me pout and whine and cry out in pain because it hurts to go through everything you have called me to. But I'm gonna trust in you.

TRUST. The hardest word in the dictionary. I have to be willing to say "my life is not my own. My life belongs to someone else. He is in control. He is going to take me where I need to go. He is fully capable of taking care of my every need and filling my every longing. His timing is perfect. Hie ways are perfect. His ability is perfect. His mind is perfect. His path is perfect. My life is following him despite my failures, despite my fears, despite my misunderstandings. My life is worth it. He is in control. I can trust the One who knows it all".

Weeding the Garden

Somewhere deep within I know there is something tugging at my heart. Something in my soul that is trying to speak. My mind is racing a mile a minute. My strength is slowing dying. I feel like I can hardly get through the day, the night is not much better. I lay awake with restless eyes; with only my breathing staying steady. My mind is full, but my heart can not see within. My voice is silenced behind all the noise of the inward struggle.

So many things going on at one time; my body just cannot handle. Plans to be made, money to be raised, time is running short. So many things that I will be missing, fear of the unknown keeping my soul unsettled. What will it be like? Will I fit in? Will all my needs be met? And what will happen at home when I'm gone, will everything be alright?

A glimpse of the future is all that there is, assurance is falling behind. Providence comes from the one in control, the one who has a plan. Can I trust Him enough to live one day at a time and not get caught up in worry? Jealously rages within my heart as my friends get settled in, but proud I was in the promise of a job; only to be humbled in patient waiting.

And underneath it all, a deep embedded pain. Wondering if everything will be ok when the day of celebration comes. A mix of two worlds...a life of old, and the reality of today. Can I handle the tears that come from the rain, the clouds of an age old storm? Will the sun shine through the dark clouds in the sky? Or will the thunder boom louder with the pain?

And still yet the fight is not done, for my soul is still in wander. When I read the pages of my heart song, a greater cry is heard. A voice inside whispers in my ear that I'm not even wanted. I'm only a hindrance in lives of many, a charity case of pity. I don't fit in with normal beings, just the ones in need. My confidence in myself is dwindling away with a feeling of rejection. I don't even like who I am in a group, and sometimes not even alone. There are so many things I wish I could change, so many things that drive me insane. I just want to be kind, humble and quiet. But instead, my voice never stops, my knowledge blurts out and my rude thoughts take over.

What is truly on my heart cannot be sung, the beat not quite found. The melody is playing out, but the notes are all around. My deepest thought I cannot express, my inner mood is hidden. The song I hear is one of longing. A longing to be loved. Loved not only by others, but by my inner self. I love what I do and what I have done, but it doesn't erase the pain. The flower of strength, of confidence and self-worth is stunted by the weed of disgust, of lies and of uncomfortableness. If only the weed would die away in the night to let the flower show its glory.

I need a Savior

So I discovered something new over Spring Break. It is REALLY HARD to change yourself. I have known for half a year now about my struggle with integrity and trying to please everyone around me. I recognize the issue, and in many ways I have fought to be different. But then this last week I went to Mexico and I started to realize something. Yes, I have made progress, but something is still not right. My insecurity is deep within my heart, woven through my very soul. It is going to take a long time to untangle the mess within my deepest being. I cannot do it with my own power, I need the strength that comes from my LORD.

All this time I thought that I struggled with pride, but it turns out my pride is really insecurity jumping out and making me do things that I upset myself with later. I strive to be noticed, to be heard. I feel like I have to say things to make myself look smart, to impress other people, to "make myself known". It seems like every time a question is posed in a small group I have to get my word in, and I have to be right. I feel like if I don't say anything, the world will never know the answer. That is where the pride comes in. But the insecurity? Why must I be heard? Why do I have to share the answer as if I'm the only one who knows what the question is asking? It's because I'm trying to prove myself.

Then I started to realize something else. Every time I say something in that setting, it is to make myself look better. It is so that they like ME. It is so that I can make the world a better place. But how often do I say things that are truly to encourage and build others up? How often do I say things that others actually need to hear? The answer: Not very often.

This also goes together with my "listening problems". If any of my friends are reading this, I want to apologize right now for my lack of listening skills. I am not a good listener. Why? Because I always have something to say. I always have to get my words in, instead of just listening and learning to and from others. I have given up so many opportunities to learn from others by trying to put their words in their mouths, by debating with them so that I don't look bad, by talking nonstop about my life and my ideas and my problems and my adventures. I have lost so many chances to just be a crying shoulder, a comforter. I can't listen to problems without trying to FIX the problem. But I want that to change now. I long to be a good listener, one that someone will come to when they are hurt. I LONG to learn from others, instead of just assuming I know everything there is to know.

And I LONG to stop talking long enough to hear the most important one speaking to me--God. I need to stop reading the Bible to try to find answers that I want to hear. I need to stop looking for ways it helps ME. I need to read the Bible to spend time with my Savior, get to know who HE is, listen to what HE wants to say to me, not what I want him to be saying.

Codependency. The desire to solve the problems of others. The need for others to like you. The need to impress. The need to work hard for approval. The need to be the savior. It's time I give it up. I want to be free. Free me from the chains of approval. Break away the cord of impressing. Open the prison doors of fighting for my value. Take away the weight of other people's problems from my back. I can't be the savior. I can't change others, nor can I change myself. I need to HAVE a savior, not BE a savior. Good thing I have one :) Now I just need to let him do his job--not just in my own life, but also in the lives of all the people in my life.